How to be Green (spoof)

If you don’t know the environment is in trouble, you must be living in a cave. If you’ve seen The Day After Tomorrow and weren’t scared out of your mind, you must not be human. For those who were, you know what will happen if we don’t change our ways.

Tidal waves will take out the most popular American cities; Canada will instantly be covered in snow; the only people who will survive will be rich, powerful, celebrities. Don't give them the satisfaction!

Follow these green tips and you can hold off environmental collapse, at least until the end of your lifetime.

1. Don’t Drive...Less

Even though most major highways now have carpool lanes, you can still be environmentally- friendly when driving alone. First of all, keep your speed above 100 km/hour – the faster you drive, the faster you’ll get where you want to go, and the less gas you’ll use.

Secondly, if you're planning to buy a car, a fuel-efficient one is a smart choice. It may be less expensive and less polluting to take a bus, but let’s face it, a hybrid is just more convenient (and you don’t have to worry about sitting on someone else’s gum).

Besides, cow farts are the primary cause of methane gas pollution anyway, and that’s hardly your fault. In fact, by 2040, the government plans to harness methane gas as an alternative fuel, or at least utilize it for wind power.

2. Don’t let it Mellow

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.” This is a fool’s motto. Letting things “mellow” means that extra-dirty toilet water is being flushed into our lakes and rivers, which are becoming increasingly crappier.

As a result of this scarcity of clean water, many cities have designated water use restrictions; however, if you don’t want to risk your beautiful rosebushes to dehydration, you can still be green by watering your plants with a watering can filled with tap water instead of a hose. Your neighbours won’t even know. Plus, roses are part of the environment too.

3. Don’t Donate

We all know that newspapers, pop cans, and water bottles are recyclable. But more and more people are starting to recycle their old clothes, furniture, books, and electronics by donating them with the belief that they're creating less waste.

In reality, when you donate your old possessions, you’re just wasting gas in order to get there. Also, people who buy what you decided was too good for you will likely wash them before use, thereby wasting water as well. The landfills aren’t getting any smaller, so what’s another pair of socks or entire living room set?

4. Don’t Flick Off

Sadly, there is no way to conserve electricity. We always have something on: the television, the computer, the lights, the razor, the washing machine, the dryer, the hair straightener, the refrigerator, the microwave, the coffee-maker, the vacuum, the cell phone charger, the blow dryer, the PlayStation, the air purifier, street lamps, some vehicles, McDonald’s golden arches, highway billboards, and office building lights, photocopiers, fax machines, and of course, the logo on the outside.

There's really no avoiding it, so just take advantage of electricity while you still can.


And remember: Don’t stop buying. Just buy green.